i don't know why, but somehow making time for myself is one of the things i struggle with most.
to rest. to slow down. to just sit somewhere and do absolutely nothing.
my instinct is always to keep moving. another project, another idea, another thing to build, grow or explore. and honestly, i love it. doing what i do gives me energy.
but sometimes i wonder if constantly moving forward is a way of avoiding standing still. maybe that's also a coping mechanism, a way of protecting myself from thinking & feeling too much.
maybe it's easier to keep doing than to simply be.
i'm not quite sure.
what i do know is that i'm proud of how persistent i've become. looking back at everything i've already accomplished, it's actually a little astounding.
and maybe i don't give myself enough credit for that.
why am i so damn strict with myself?
why do i always feel the need to push a little further, a little harder, sometimes almost to the point of breaking?
maybe it's in my dna/nature. the funny thing is — i don't necessarily want to change that part of me. i love exploring the unknown. i love challenging myself. i love finding out what i'm capable of.
but maybe there is another kind of strength in knowing when to stop.
i recharge through the things i love. through the farm, the animals, being outside, and sitting by the fireplace. but maybe rest can be more than just recovering enough to keep going.
maybe rest can simply be part of living.
i've experimented a lot with my sleep and rhythms over the years. somehow i'm both a night owl and an early bird. six or seven hours of sleep are enough for me to be awake and active, sometimes even less — four to five hours. do i do four to five hours every day? no — but if i feel like finishing a project, i'll do it.
but just because i can doesn't mean i always should.
so maybe that's something i'm still learning:
to observe.
to listen.
to notice when my mind needs a break and when my body is asking me to slow down.
i don't always have to earn rest by exhausting myself first.
sometimes i can just sit back and appreciate the life i've already built.
proud of myself. love you ben.
keep growing!
